College of Inhumanities Appoints Dean

Following only a year after the retirement of one of CMU's most respected deans, officials from the College of Inhumanities and Antisocial Sciences (I&AS) have announced that their dean will also be retiring from office.

"While Dr. Teethgnasher has truly been exemplary in his work as dean," they reported, "it was felt that new blood was necessary for the position. He was defeated in ritual combat by Professor Ugh Throttlespike, who will take the new position in an inaugural bacchanalia under the new moon, October 27th. Dr. Teethgnasher's career will be also be remembered, and his remains buried in Mellon Cemetery, Arlington National Cemetery, and Pere Lachaise Cemetery in France."

In the last thirty years that he had held the office, Doctor Grolnar Teethgnasher had been responsible for much of the early modernization of I&AS during the seventies and eighties, introducing such classes as "Comparative Analysis: Visigoths and Mongol Hordes" and "Modern and Classical Cruelty: Muzak and its Origins in the Pointed Stick". Under his tutelage, the students of his grad-level "Applied Theory in Hacking and Slashing" class were extremely successful in removing the goblin hordes from Doherty Hall's sub-basements. He had received critical notice for his work from such prestigious sources as Amnesty International and the SPCA, who lauded him as "a brilliant new threat to life and happiness in all of their forms."

Professor Ugh Throttlespike, soon-to-be dean of I&AS, has already stated his desire "to bring the Inhumanities into the new millennium". He has been involved in some of the most technologically advanced progress of barbarism to date, and is fully responsible for the Default Robot Kill-Kill Program, now found in all robotic creations, from toasters to Carnegie Mellon's own Xavier, himself. As dean of the I&AS, he will receive first pick of the college's yearly tuition of virgins and sheep. Prof. Throttlespike also plans to open up communications and involvement with other colleges around campus, and is very aggressive in his attempts to develop combined majors with I&AS and others. So far, two others have joined; the Humanities and Social Science collaboration, "Kicking Ass and Taking Names", and the joint effort with the Tepper Business college, "Master of the Universe". Furthermore, he plans to remove some of the older, obsolete regulations of the college, such as the ritual death of those on academic probation for two consecutive semesters or mandatory membership in the Objectivist Club.