Villainous Comparisons:
Kefka vs. Sephiroth

In the world of geekdom, there have always been great fan rivalries. Obsessive armies array against each other on the whining fields of battle. Depending on their loyalties and the which convention they're at, they argue over whether Batman would beat Superman, rage about whether Macs are better than Windows, or unleash full warfare over whether "Trek" or "Wars" is the better antecedant of "Star". Among console role-players, the classic argument is the superiority of Final Fantasy 6's Kefka or Final Fantasy 7's Sephiroth.

Without any distinct answer to these debates, they will continue to divide and dimish the ranks of dedicated gamers. Old hatreds and bitter rivalries will be passed down through the generations, growing in intensity and ferocity, until the hallways of E3 run red with the blood of these animated advocates. As a conscientious member of the gaming community, and as a person who doesn't like blood on his shoes, I am determined to avoid this tragic outcome.

And so, let us take a controlled, careful, point-by-point examination of the Kefka versus Sephiroth debate:

Graphics: Sephiroth was 32bit, Kefka was 16bit, so we've got to remember to grade on a curve, here. Kefka looked like a clown in a suit of armor, and jumped around the screen when he got agitated. Sephiroth had the look of a tragically gloomy, waif-thin, samurai-wannabe with beautiful girl hair. He had a preference for acting in slow motion, particularly when it would make him appear more pretentious. Sephiroth had full-motion video segments that enhanced this appearance, while also dramatically enhacing the quality of his hair, raising it from "beautiful girl hair" all the way to "Pantene Pro-V hair". While Kefka has his share of FMVs in the Playstation version of FF6, the fully-rendered character looked so wildly different from what all players of the original version had understood him to look like that the points from those FMVs are negated (even though the FMVs were much more in line with Yoshitaka Amano's original character designs). And even though Kefka looks an awful lot like a freaky angel at the end of 6, Sephiroth's impressive visuals still earn his title of "the one-winged angel". Sephiroth tosses his hair back in slow motion as he takes the win.

Sound: Sephiroth had no sound to really call his own; no memorable sound bite or audio clip to use as a ring tone or system sound. But the Kefka laugh is recognized in over 50 languages to be the hallmark sound of all diabolical villains with godly powers, and scientists have shown that its aural impact can shatter stone at 30 meters. All of this while using piddling 16bit equipment. If Sephiroth had even had a halfway decent chuckle, he might have stood a chance, but as it is Kefka easily laughs his way to the bank in this category.

Music: Let's face it, Sephiroth only had a choir because Square realized they could suddenly do it on the new hardware. It's all very nice, but has more gothic pretention than a runaway train of ancient, ennui-ridden vampires. Meanwhile, Kefka has a continuous theme that truly personifies his malicious brand of barely-contained evil. To top it off, in his final battle, Kefka's theme even builds upon his original, and Square finds it in their power to add his unforgettable laugh in, as well. If Kefka's theme had been done in full 32bit glory, humans would not have been able to finish the game, as the music and laughter combination would have caved in their puny skulls. Mankind is saved by the technological limitations of the time, and Kefka receives a win for the category.

Non-Final-Boss Combat: Sephiroth fights in your party (or at least, in your flashback), and consistently devastates foes with his mighty magic and stupidly large no-dachi-turned-katana. In any fight other than the last one, Kefka is lucky to have any sort of named attack, and tends to run away after you make him look bad. Luckily, he never appears in your party, game-shark or not. Sephiroth hits him on the head and steals the score for this category...

Final-Boss Combat: ... And then Kefka beats him like a rented chocobo. In the final battle, Kefka occasionally took two actions in a row, and he had a pair of attacks that could kill you no matter how badass you were. "Hello, party full of maxed characters! Would you like some pain? Have a free sample! Oh dear, are you all reduced to 1hp? Please, take this bonus sampler pack of non-elemental damage to you all! Goodbye, and please come again later!" Furthermore, he was considered so nasty that you used your entire party to face him (albeit, fighting only four at a time). Sephiroth was a fancy lad who was so poorly programmed that you could beat him without him ever attacking you: simply cast slow on him to remove his haste, and he will *always* take his action to cast haste on himself again, no matter how much pain the rest of your party delivers to his hurt-but-hasted form. Continue until he bites the dust. Kefka would simply say "Oh dear, some slowness. Please die. And now I laugh." Slowness or not, Kefka takes the point.

Backstory: Kefka and Sephiroth were both genetically engineered magical/human lifeforms. Neither were perfect successes, and were surpassed and constantly showed up by a later version. Sephiroth took it personally, and vowed to avenge himself on this cruel race of humans, amassing personal power until he could unleash his plots. Kefka shrugged it off and became the toady for the evil empire, and worked off his psychotic aggression in the little ways, like by killing people, terrorizing subordinates, and having a hearty laugh. It's a close call on this one, but I'll be persuaded to give it to Sephiroth, because he's behind on points, and I like to give the illusion of fairness.

Actions: Sephiroth, with his innate superhuman powers and severe swording action, caused one of the most devastating character death scenes in any FF game, an action so traumatic that some gamers are still hoping that there's some way to bring Aeris back. In another drawn-out FMV, Sephiroth bombarded a city with an elemental cannon on another continent. Oh, it's certainly some impressive work, but compared to his predacessor, it's hardly more villainous than bringing nine items into the eight items or less line at the grovery store. Kefka, poisoned an entire city/castle in order to speed up the results of a siege that he was already winning, and this was before he had any powers. He curb-stomped his commanding officer and boss until he had the Ultimate Power, and then he went on to succeed in destroying the world and remaking it in his image! He had a cult who worshipped him as a god, and destroyed cities with a thought because it made him laugh. If there had ever been any babies nearby, he would have undoubtedly kicked them and told them they were adopted, while Sephiroth would most likely have just looked at their innoncence wistfully. It's a high-scoring category, but Kefka wins handily.

Personality: Sephiroth put forth the image of an unflappable, mysterious, and dashing figure. However, after looking at his actions, it is plain to see that he was just a pissy environmentalist who blamed his evils upon his childhood and had enough self-important pretention to drown Anne Rice in a sea of eyeliner. Meanwhile, Kefka was totally honest about who he was, and went on to become the chimp-with-a-gun of RPG classics. Imagine the psychotic fifth-grade bully who would punch you in the stomach after you gave him your lunch money. Now give that deranged delinquent awesome, godly powers, and a laugh that made children cry and dogs howl. That man is now Kefka, and he never tried to appear as anything other than that. And while he was off terrorizing classmates at recess, Sephiroth was lounging around the drama classroom, sighing meaningfully and writing a bad poem about how his mother never understood him. Kefka takes the point, as well as Sephiroth's lunch money. Pow!

Fan Following: There is a tremendously large Sephiroth following, and back when the game was new, you couldn't say "cross-dressing sailor scouts" without find someone cosplaying as him at most anime cons. Kefka is lucky to have a small following of loyal fans whose only real public display is a sad attempt to perform his laugh. But there has never been any hentai comic of Kefka violating any other Final Fantasy character. Sephiroth cannot say the same, so he must shamefully decline the point for this category, leaving the victor by technicality.

After a thorough examination, Kefka wins over Sephiroth, beating him in six out of nine categories. And while this victory may upset a large number of Sephiroth fans out there, they can take comfort in the fact that Kefka's popularity is really only with the oldschool fans of the pre-playstation Final Fantasy games. Meanwhile, Sephiroth continues to appear in other Square games, from the unfortunate Ehrgeiz to Final Fantasy Tactics to Kingdom Hearts. Kefka may be better by points, but Sephiroth is far more marketable.

Still, that doesn't depress the Kefka fan. Like their favorite, they're always ready with a laugh.