Illuminati Recruits on Campus

While Carnegie Mellon University has always been known to technical employers as a factory for well-educated drones, most people seem to overlook the popularity of the university among shadowy employers in the fields of world domination and mind control. Last Thursday saw the annual IOC (Illuminated Opportunities Conference) on campus. Powerful but publicly-unknown companies from around the world had representatives in the Univesity Center to scour the campus for qualified potential employees.

"Carnegie Mellon's environment is ideal for the development of just the sort of person that we look to hire" said one recruiter, M. Johnson. "Between the dedication and all-encompassing work-ethic displayed by successful students and the fact that most of them are so busy that their family and friends wouldn't miss them if they disappeared for a while, our companies can't help but come out on the winning side in the deal."

"And if we win," confided Johnson, "Humanity wins. Or at least, a tiny fraction of it. You know, the important ones."

While Johnson declined to say which company he represented, he assured us that it was a very important one. "We have entry-level positions in a wide variety of fields, and are looking for dedicated students from any major, particularly those dealing with telecommunications, psychology, assassination, drama, data-processing sciences, genetics, and fine-art. History majors, particularly those with good creative-writing skills are also extremely valuable."

"We have offices all over the world, and are a key player in the industry," Johnson added, "Every industry."

Students who are interested in such positions are instructed to go to any pay phone and dial 36673. Say nothing, scratch your left ear with your left hand, and hang up after precisely two minutes. The interview process is so relaxed that you may not even know you're being considered until you're told to show up for work.